I am fearfully and wonderfully made.... I believe that... I do. For that reason I somehow got it in my head that it was OK (and it may be for you) to allow what is naturally happening to areas of my body- specifically my grey hair that was overtaking the top of my head. Well I have since decided this was silliness.....I read in a book recently that everyone is young in heaven..... I'm okay with a little heaven on earth.
Before......
After
I am just that -- wiped out! Today I understand a bit better as to why but can I just say that when mama ain't right nothing's right- or at least here in the Eagen household.
Actually Rick has been a dream this week (more of a dream than he normally is 
) On Monday and Tuesday after coming home from the hospital I spent a lot of time on the couch resting. Rick has just handled most everything this week- the most I've cooked for him was just tonight and it was two hot dogs- I did defrost the buns! He hauled the kids around, took care of them so I could rest, didn't give me guff about falling asleep while he was talking to me. He stepped right up and I wouldn't expect any less of him but I am very blessed to have such a intentive husband. I think I felt pretty good considering but now that I think about it I did NOTHING to exert myself. It's no wonder that after going back to work Wednesday, going to bible study Wednesday night, working Thursday and then picking up a class today that I find myself completely ready for some nothingness!
I went back to the my Doctor today for a follow up- turns out what I thought were hives all over my abdomen is really a rash related to whatever evil viral infection entered my body. My doc went over all the blood work and my hemoglobin, white blood count, platelets- all of them were much lower than my normal and some below most normal for anyone. My blood pressure is also still low which is probably because I'm still dehydrated. I'm sitting here with my water bottle next to me trying to improve that. At least I know why I feel so wiped out.
So daily things will get better- for now I will rest- hopefully finish a book, enjoy some movies, and just get better. I did get the OK today to exercise as I see fit- in fact my Doctor thought that would help me to get things a bit more regular (TMI) and help my energy levels. Instructions from here to get better and return after feeling healthy for a week to have my blood work redone. Until then I have a excuse to be still.... I'll take it!
My doctor came in this afternoon with wonderful news- I was cleared and the obstruction seemed to be gone. The other areas of concern also looked better. Final Dx: Small Bowel Obstruction complicated with an infection.
All that said if I could eat and have it go the right direction (in other words not up) I could go home.
I'm here- happy- and grateful for all your prayers.
18 days ago that became my new nickname. I walked into the nice pash new health club I joined and Audrey has been very quick to introduce me to the instructors (I think she knows them all) as the newbie. It's actually turned out to be a really good thing b/c in true Missy fashion I just kind of jump into things. I joined the club simply because it is dirt cheap (perk of Rick's job) and I figured I would try these classes that I've heard so much about. Apparently spinning is quite the calorie burner and trust me I've got a few to burn. So the first morning we show up at 5am- I'm ready for this spinning thing- up and out and on time only to find out the class had been canceled that morning. A rare thing but nonetheless canceled. So Audrey and I looked at each other and she quickly said well let's check out the other studio. In there was a class called "The Mixx"- it was made up of about 10 stations that alternated between cadio and toning. We had a good warm up on the track and then the torture stations began. One minute at each station which may not seem like much but trust me- up. down. run. jump. squat. bend.run. down. ..... after the first round I was so light headed and tired. I didn't want to quit exercising but on the next round I wasn't so sure I'd get up after a down. So I quietly exited (I'm sure all saw the newbie wimpin out) and I went back to the track, so I didn't feel like a complete failure I walked a mile while the class finished and I was glad I did. The lightheadedness I think was really a result of the up and down part.
So now fast forward to a week later. We had a snow day (w/not much snow) and I took advantage by heading down to a spinning class. Which I still hadn't gotten to so I was excited to finally get there. Sweat- calorie burning- bring it on! I did great, much better than I thought I would. My goal was simply to finish the 45 minute ride. If I could keep up with the sprints and increasing the tensions and what not greatbut my focus was just on doing the best I could. I was more than pleasantly surprised when not only did I finish but my breathing was right where the instructor was telling us it should be, up hills, down hills, sprints, it really was hard work but it went fast and it was well worth it........ until I stepped off the bike..... to soon.... to fast.... no blood in my head and my eyes started going all fuzzy and I knew that if I didn't sit down I would go down! SERIOUSLY NOT AGAIN- this time I just couldn't walk it off and the instructor saw me (remember she knew I was a newbie Audrey was with me) and came over to me to check on me. Well things were not pretty, and after I puked in a garbage can I felt great. Of course by that time, some cute trainer had to be waved in to help- not to mention the sympathetic stares from those cleaning up their bikes. This is a time where you would be oh, so happy to be the only person on the planet! I felt great once the blood returned to my head and up and out I went (feeling quite embarrassed). To add insult to injury Audrey called me Sunday after church to tell me that the trainer guy goes to our church. - GREAT!
Another shocking thing for me has been how much I am starting to crave a good work out. In the last 2 1/2 weeks I've worked out 14 times. (it tells you every time you scan your card). Most of them good and each time I feel like I've done a little more. I like routine so I tend to go back to the same group of treadmills and find the same play-list on my IPOD and start up. Each time I'm working on increasing my running time and stamina. It seems that I've learned that if I work through the pain of getting tired my second wind comes and I finish well.
While up on that treadmill you can't help but think- I've learned so much about myself and my ability or sometimes lack of, to seek strength from outside of myself. The messages I send myself are messages that I would never tell any friend or loved one. If someone I know is struggling I tell them it's hard but worth it, that walking to the other side is rewarding. I WOULD NEVER say 'oh just stop- it's not making a difference anyway' your tired- go home go back to bed do you really want to feel good anyway- just quit now and maybe later you can try again". Those are the messages that I've had to fight in my head. One phrase that really helps me to keep going is to "run through the regret". Lessons on a treadmill are very parallel to those we learn in life also. There are painful times, there are times we just want to crawl back into bed and give up- let some else fight my battles and then I remember that my battles are being fought for me with the biggest one already won. I'm only asked to do the leg work- to keep going and trust.
So I trust in the process- I keep going and know that I may always feel like a newbie, falling, feeling faint but knowing there is grace in the lessons and a strength beyond anything I will ever know to pick up me and cheer me on.
PS: I've also gone back to both the Mixx class and Spinning and completed them both- head in tact- no puking- life is good.
Since I wrote this post I've been working on making some lifestyle changes and I've found that I'm learning things about myself that I guess I've always known and these 'things' let me stay in my comfort zone. My weight has become more than just extra weight that I'm tugging around. It's really become a symbol of just how outcome focused I am. I'm not journey focused and it makes setting goals, letting alone keeping goals really difficult. Let me rephrase that- I can set goals, it's obtaining them that I let get difficult. I'm kind of a all or nothing person ( I know hard to believe) but it's true. 
I remember when I first accepted Christ. I was 19 and Kayla was 5 weeks old. I was alone, in a different state and really for the first time very aware that the love I sought was nothing of this world. I'll never forget the evening I asked Jesus to be my Savior.
What's ironic about that is it didn't take me long to forget that He wants to be the lead. When His lead did not take me necessary where I thought I wanted to go I ran ahead, until the point where I ran away- for what was to long. I was outcome focused. In my head after becoming a Christian I should have been able to have it together, meet prince charming (or at least his cousin) and live happily ever after. When that didn't happen I took matters into my own hands. My head was able to talk louder than my spirit. I would find the outcome I wanted a different way.
Because I'm so outcome focused I am also very much about instant gratification. It's a vicious cycle for people like me... you feel bad, you look the wrong way for the feel good and then you feel worse. Really not much fun when stuck in that downward spin. The Lord and all His patience has taught me to still much of that discontent, in looking to Him I am able most of the time to find that peace, that instant feel good right in the arms of my creator. Yet I have tools- I have wonderful friends, a beautiful family, I'm a part of a great bible study, weekend services provide truth and challenge me to grow. His grace paves this road for me.
On the less serious side of this whole topic these two personally traits also are to blame for my huge lack of follow through.
I think you get the point. I love outcomes- I want to be there NOW-
So what I am learning is to become more journey focused. In growing in Christ I am completely OK with Psalm 46:10. I'm all about being still. Although there will always be time in my days to simply be still I feel like I need to also move forward a bit. Pain is the biggest road block on my inability to be journey focused. Being still in my comfort zone is just that comfortable- So why change anything? Well that is a great question and honestly one that I'm not even sure that I have a great answer to other than I crave the joy that comes along with the outcomes. I will never see them (the outcomes), or enjoy them if I don't learn how to work toward them. I'd say it's safe to say perseverance is not one of my strong suits.
So I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all but I get it- and I'm feeling a bit more freedom by discovering these truths about myself.
So my journey lesson today- there may be pain to work though but the other side will reveal itself-
Yesterday Rick made a comment to me about an old video of Kayla and Jordan. It was a really cute video and we're considering submitting it to America's Funniest Home Video... I mean really now would be the perfect time to win some cash for the antics of yesterday. A graduating daughter isn't going to be one of her cheaper seasons of life and that is becoming clearer by the day! 
So in the mist of looking for this video we've watched a ton of footage from around the end of 2001 through 2004 and believe me when I say we weren't shy with the video camera. It's been fun to see all the changes in not just the kids but seeing rooms before they were attacked with paintbrushes, seeing our yard before Rick built a ginormous garage on it. Watching Kayla and Jordan when they still liked us (well I think Kayla is beginning to realize we are not here simply to bring her misery). Things were different and things were good but there were a few times I was watching and I was thinking about what was going on when the camera was off. During that time I struggled so much with who I was, what should I be doing, I questioned everything and was not content with anything. It was also during that time that I re-committed my life to Christ. There was a lot going on behind the scenes and as precious as those times were I am reminded of how very grateful I am to be living in a season of life where I don't really question who I am. My identity is clear and my purpose is clear. Now that doesn't mean that I get it right all the time. But I think you get what I'm saying.
I must confess the one thing that I do long for was how much smaller I was in 2004- I thought I was bigger then but watching tonight I couldn't believe how much smaller I looked! Even Rick said "wow you were hot" Now don't hang my husband over that comment, he was not trying to be mean and he was right. I don't necessarily think I was hot there was the proof I was indeed smaller- yikes wanna see?
On the left in these pictures were taken in 2004- the ones on the right have been taken in the last few months. All I have to say about it b/c I refuse to get all hung on this subject is I've asked for a Wii Fit for my birthday (that is in 14 days ) and I'm setting small goals for myself every week in regards to having a healthier body. The thing is it is what it is and I can't complain about it if I don't take action. So enough of that.
If my Internet wasn't so darn slow I might be tempted to upload an old video but seeing how video's don't transfer well into books and these pictures are just as cute here are some oldies of the kids. I do have some pictures from 2009 to share with you but I need to sort through them. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow.
Sam 2004
Eric 2003
Kayla and Jordan 2002
BTW.... side note, yesterday's post was number 300 for Missy's Moments. Thought that was kind of cool.
You know I'm not always the greatest at accurately articulating just what it is that I'm trying to say. So I'll just see what happens here.
What got me reading blogs way back when was actually a little babe who entered the world at 22 weeks 6 days. I started reading a caringbridge site and from theirs linked to others and so on and so on and so forth. So now six years later I have not only have had a regular blog now for a couple of years but have developed pretty significant relationships with other women, friends and all through blog writing and community. Most of the blogs I read are either people I know or blogs that I've read for years and there is just a handful of them. There are a few authors whose blogs I enjoy and every now and again I pick up on a news blog but quite honestly there are very few political or news blogs that I enjoy, they seem so harsh and icky so I stay away from them. (my opinion) My heart is pulled towards real life matters, matters of the heart, matters that make it real (see a trend starting here?). Anyway awhile back Kristi talked about a woman whose blog she had come across- the blog was written by a woman and her husband had just recently passed away unexpectedly. This woman was lost to say the least and in reading her blog a couple of times she linked me to another blog that of a young couple. The man's wife was on bed rest during her pregnancy and ended up delivering early. The baby is good, She's healthy and growing but his wife the day after giving birth stood up to go meet their new baby daughter and fell and died from a pulmonary embolism. I've read blogs where babies are lost, loved ones are sick and I can't imagine that being my life. How do you get through those things? How does Christmas feel when someone you love is no longer here physically. How about all those other days of the year. Why hasn't it been us? And do I really GET how blessed our family is?
I read a post on my friend Doni's blog earlier today and it just re-affirmed what's been on my heart and that is being more intentional in my relationships with others. And those relationships don't need to be ongoing but they need to count no matter how long someone has been put into my journey. I am blessed, I am Loved and I need to live my life reflecting that, I want to live my life reflecting love, the love of Christ.
The other night the Women's Ministry Council at CCC served dinner at The Dorthy Day house here in Rochester. It is a temporary home for the homeless and disadvantaged. I have to be honest I walked in there fully expecting to see the older man on the corner with the signs. I was not emotionally prepared for the guests I shared dinner with. It was a mom expecting a baby, her other two children with her were 11 and 13. The 13 year old reminded me so much of Kayla, she was at dinner with her nose stuck in a book. The woman had two other daughters, one was away at college and the other was at gymnastics. I couldn't help but be given the impression that no matter what the roof was or wasn't over their head she was going to point her children in the right directions. I was impressed by her, I guess more accurately I was moved by her.
I've been thinking what am I really doing? Now don't get me wrong I'm sure I'll be among the many enjoying a warm Christmas dinner, opening presents and enjoying family on December 25th but is that what I want to grow old and remember? Is the big highlight going to be hitting the sales the day after Christmas and Thanksgiving? I am embarrassed at how self absorbed that makes me feel but will I step out of my box? I can't honestly answer that right now.
Anyway those are the thoughts that I've been really thinking about.
Oh I know.... I was going to say this guy that lost his wife this year. I read his blog on a regular basis. I began to ask myself why I was reading it. We have nothing in common- there are a few things here and there that make me go mmmmm, --I don't know where he is faith wise and well frankly he's not shy about his language. That doesn't offend me so much as it maybe it should but regardless I figured out what it is about this blog that attracts me and that is he is real, he just lays it out there and for the most part without tearing down those around him that may feel or think differently. He's also taken what has been the greatest tragedy of his life and used it for good. He's raising money for women and children that are abused, abandoned or neglected. Here this man is forced into being a single parent and has decided to take 'his lot' in life and use it for others.... wow.
So how does it all tie together.... what will it take in my life? Those questions are scary ones to ask because I'm not quite sure I want the answer. Am I giving enough, am I being called to do more? Maybe my calling right now is exactly what it is that I'm doing, if that's so why so I feel like it's not enough?
Pretty sure I won't get any of those answers today but I think about these things do you?
I love that name! First and foremost because it is connected to Mr. Eagen but what gives me so much joy in my days is the fact that there are countless kids with the cutest smiles that wave and jump and tap me all to say HI MRS. EAGEN
I just love my job, it doesn't seem right most days to call it a job because truth be told I get along really well with preschoolers. I like routine, I love to learn, I wish I could call things as I see them but age and etiquette has halted that some. I love to ask questions, I always want to know why, I need bathroom breaks frequently and who in the world can go day after day without a good nap.
This year especially has been such a blessing to me and I think a large part of it is the fact that I'm finally adjusting to working outside of the home. It only took 2 years (did I mention I like routine?). Another part of it is I'm working with 3/4 year olds and as much as I enjoyed the 4/5's I'm having a blast with these sweet little people that walk into my life everyday. I am blessed to work for great employers who understand that our family really does come first, my co-workers are incredible, I love praying with them and for them and I am blessed beyond measure that there are so many parents out there that entrust their children to us.
This week was supposed to be our Christmas program. All the kids that are in these programs have worked so hard on the songs and because of the weather we had to postpone the program and God willing we will have another opportunity this coming Monday. Yesterday and today our classes (4 of them) walked across the parking lot over to Sunrise Cottages Senior Homes ( they offer assisted living, and alzheimer's care). It was about a two block walk when all was said and done through the snow filled ditch. The kids were great sports about it. Yesterday the temps were below zero and today they were around zero! Anyway the kids sang some of their songs for the residents and I was so proud of each group. They really did an amazing job and I can't wait for Monday night to get here for their parents to see it. We also frosted cookies with the residents and it was fun for all.
I'm very proud of these munchkins and I just am honored to be able to be a small part of their lives.
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